


Breaking of a facade

by Thelastvorta



Series: We'll get through this, together [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:34:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26478031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thelastvorta/pseuds/Thelastvorta
Summary: Julian is learning to deal with his friends not noticing he was missing
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: We'll get through this, together [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924891
Kudos: 39





	Breaking of a facade

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Quynh for proofreading my fics when my adhd makes me forget what I was writing about :)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Quynh+for+proofreading+my+fics+when+my+adhd+makes+me+forget+what+I+was+writing+about+%3A%29).



> PLEASE NOTE!!  
> This fic talks very heavily about anxiety attacks and mental health issues. If you are uncomfortable with this please do not read!

Julian had been trying to sleep for hours, to no avail. Normally, he was able to sleep rather quickly on the station, when not swimming in medical reports. But not tonight, not for quite a while actually. It made sense that he couldn’t sleep in the internment camp. After all the conditions were less than ideal. But now he was home, on the station, in his own bed. He was safe, he knew he was safe. But that wasn’t what was keeping him awake, as much as he tried to convince himself it was. He was away for over a month and nobody noticed. Not that he blamed them, the changelings were very convincing, he probably would’ve been fooled as well. That’s what he told himself when he couldn’t sleep. That’s what he told himself when he became distracted from the mountains of work he had piled on himself to keep busy. But a part of him couldn’t believe it, no matter how many times he heard it.  
Julian decided to give up on sleep. Who needed sleep anyway? A hypospray loaded with animazine would keep him awake during his next duty shift. That’s all he needed. Julian walked out of his bedroom and looked around his quarters. It was practically untouched since he left for that burn conference, not even Kukalaka had been moved. The only thing that was different, was the chess set on one of his shelves. Pieces were frozen in the middle of play. He suspected Garak had played, since there were still pieces from both players on the board. Even though nothing had really changed, something about the room felt dirty. Just knowing a changeling was there, pretending to be him and living his life tainted the room. Julian picked up discarded mugs and PADD’s and put them away. He tidied his shelves and moved his chairs back into place. He reset the chessboard with a bit more aggression than he had intended. But it wasn’t enough. Minor scuffs on the floor and creases on the cushions suddenly screamed at him. Tiny details he had never noticed before taunted him, reminded him that someone else was there. Everything in the room mocked him, jeered at his discomfort. Julian’s lungs felt like they were compressed against his ribcage, threatening to break through to be released. His breathing became harsh and shallow as his eyes grew more frantic. His loose-fitting pajamas became restrictive against his skin and his stray hairs scratched against his forehead. He frantically pulled his shirt off as he felt his throat closing in. He pulled at his hair and scratched at his face desperately seeking an end to the sensory agony he was experiencing. But it never came. The room became smaller. The hum of the station became a deafening roar, pounding against his eardrums. His childhood toy became a menacing creature, threatening him. Julian screamed as he picked what used to be Kukalaka up and threw it against the wall. The creature made no sound when it collided with the wall. Tears burning his face he desperately sought a release from the barrage of emotions he was experiencing. The mugs he had gently moved moments ago were now projectiles. He threw them across the room and reveled in the sound they made as they shattered. He pulled at his hair and continued throwing until all that was left was shards on his floor. He screamed once more, louder and more angrily this time. He ran around the room picking up objects and throwing them, not even noticing what they were. Then suddenly it was gone, all the energy and aggression he had felt dissipated. All that was left was the sadness and the pain that filled his mind as he sank to the floor and cried. Hands pressed over his eyes he sobbed on his floor; he didn’t even hear the doors open as a security team ran in. He didn’t fight when they dragged him to the infirmary. He didn’t even recognise the sedative they injected him with that put him into a restless, agonising sleep.  
When he woke up the typically blinding lights of the infirmary felt muted. His head felt as if it was incapable of producing coherent thoughts. Only a constant white noise that drowned out anything else he could feel. This time, he heard the doors open, but he had no urge to look at who was coming in. He heard the noises of the tricorder as it scanned over his body, recording his vital signs. He heard the nurse’s questions, but he felt no need to answer them. Eventually, a second set of footsteps entered the room.  
“Doctor! You had me quite worried for a moment, as soon as I heard what happened I came straight here.” The voice of Garak interrupted the white noise in his mind, but only for a moment. Julian did not answer.  
“I know you can hear me, doctor, don’t make me call the nurses back in here.” Garak warned as he sat next to Julian’s bed.  
“Leave me alone, Garak.” Julian’s voice was hoarse, it sounded foreign to his own ears. If he didn’t remember saying it, he wouldn’t have recognised it as his own voice.  
“Doctor, what happened? You seemed to be doing so well! You were working, we planned on lunch today and you were meeting with others on the station. What went wrong?” Garak prodded.  
“Nothing went wrong Garak. Please, just, leave me be.” Julian rolled onto his side so that he couldn’t see the Cardassian next to him. The small movement felt like it required complete exertion of every muscle in his body.  
“Julian.” Garak’s voice was stern now. “Your quarters were turned upside down. Chess pieces and broken mugs were all over the floor, tables on their side, for goodness sake your bear was face down on the floor! It looked like someone had tried to murder you, doctor! That doesn’t happen out of nowhere.”  
Julian huffed “I don’t know.” Was all he could muster. He couldn’t bring himself to turn and face his friend.  
“My dear doctor…” Garak placed his hand on Julian’s shoulder. “This is about the changeling, isn’t it? How it replaced you? How none of us noticed?”  
Julian’s eyes began to burn again. He couldn’t bring himself to answer the question. He knew Garak was right of course, that was the reason he broke down last night. He felt the same as when he was young, when his father explained to him his genetic enhancements in detail. He didn’t have panic attacks often, but when he did, they were violent.  
“Julian, you must know…”  
“How could you not know?” Julian whispered. “How could you not know it wasn’t me? Sisko, Miles, Dax they don’t bother me as much. I can justify them not noticing. But you, Garak? How could you not tell it wasn’t me?”  
It was Garak’s turn to go quiet now. Of course, Julian was justified in his anger, he had been kidnapped for over a month and nobody knew. Worse than that he was replaced.  
“Is it true? What Miles said?” Suddenly Julian was angry again. He sat up, and turned to Garak, unnoticed tears streaming down his burning cheeks. “That the changeling was more agreeable? Easier to get along with? That everyone preferred him over me?” His voice became raised.  
“Doctor…you know that’s not true” Garak reasoned.  
“No, I don’t, Garak! How could I? I wasn’t here! I was in an internment camp!” Julian launched himself off the bed and moved to the other side of the room. “This, changeling, walked around here! Pretending to be me! And nobody knew! Not even you, Garak! Not even you! How would you feel in my position? If your closest friend didn’t even know you were missing?”  
Garak contemplated what he should say. “I’m sorry, Julian”  
“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?! All you can say is you’re sorry?!” Julian screamed. “How can you sit there, look me in the eyes and just say you’re sorry?!” Julian was frantic. Garak just watched him. The doctor he loved was coming undone before him and there was nothing he could do.  
“And the worst part about this is it isn’t even your fault! How could you have known? There was no way you could have noticed it wasn’t me, nobody could have! I would have done the same thing! And I know it.” Julian started crying harder, his anger was drowned out by his desperation. “And yet I’m still so angry, no, I’m furious with you Garak! For no reason! And none of it makes any sense!” He slammed his hands against the medbay wall, before his body became wracked with sadness, and his legs gave way. He crashed to the floor, sobbing and thrashing on the floor. Garak stood up in shock, Julian had exposed a part of him he always knew was there, but never thought he’d be ready to share with someone else. The part of him that craved recognition and assurance. The part that needed someone to tell him they didn’t want him to change. Garak walked over to him, completely undone on the floor. He sat down next to him and pulled him into his chest. Julian yelled and thrashed, screaming at Garak to let him go. But each thrash and scream just caused Garak to hang on tighter. Eventually, the hitting and screaming stopped and returned to distressed crying. Julian leant into Garak and cried. It felt exactly like when he was young, after he had fought with his father and his mother came to his room to comfort him. Garak stayed there on the medbay floor with him, until Julian exhausted himself. Eventually, the tears stopped, and his breathing slowed, as he cried himself to sleep. His body stilled against Garak in a state of pure exhaustion. After he knew Julian was asleep, he picked up his exhausted body and carried him back onto the bed. He placed the thin blanket over him. He moved his disheveled hair out of his face and wiped the drying tears from his cheeks. He knew this wouldn’t be the end of it. Julian had a lot to work through, whether he would admit it or not. This was merely the first step in his recovery. A long road that stemmed back to long before the internment camp. Garak looked at Julian, he wasn’t sure how long he’d be asleep, but Garak knew he’d still be there when he woke up. He moved around in his chair and tried to make himself comfortable.  
It was a strange scenario to be in, nursing a doctor. He chuckled to himself, this wasn’t how he planned his first night with Julian Bashir to go. It seemed funny, not all that long ago it was Julian hovering over him after his own meltdown. Somehow this felt different to his. Garak’s was a result of his own selfishness. Garak thought he deserved his punishment, after all, it was his inability to deal with his own problems that caused it. Julian couldn’t deal with his problems. It was different. Of course, a man like Julian Bashir would never allow his problems to get the better of him. No, Julian Bashir would face his problems.  
The hypocrisy of his own thinking did not go completely unnoticed by the Cardassian. He refused to believe he and Julian’s minds could be anything alike. Julian was much too good for that, too pure. Some part of him noticed that the reasons he condemned himself were the same reasons with which he defended the doctor. But that part was so small, it was drowned out by his self-loathing. So, the comparisons were ignored. The similarities in their situations, forgotten.  
Garak looked back at the doctor to escape his mind. It felt like he was truly seeing Julian’s face for the first time. The mask that usually sat over his features and covered his pain, lay in the tears that remained on the floor and on his sleeves. Garak stood up and wandered around the small medbay. He examined the half-written report sitting on Julian’s desk, along with the sample slides that sat next to it. He took the report with him as he returned to his place beside Julian’s bed. Garak read his work, looking back at Julian any time he made a noise or stirred. It seemed like this was the first time he had slept properly for a long time. No matter how much noise was made, he stayed asleep, although this did not stop Garak from harassing the nurses about their noise level every time they came in, to the point they refused to check on him anymore. He was there for hours, pacing around the medbay, reorganising his samples into alphabetical order, reading different reports, and then getting annoyed when a report required a clearance code to access. He’d lost count of how many teas he’d had. Eventually Julian stirred, covering his eyes as they adjusted to the harsh lighting.  
“Well doctor, how nice of you to join us in the land of the living.” Garak joked.  
Still groggy with sleep, Julian looked at Garak, confused. “Land of the living?”  
“Well yes! You are very still when you sleep doctor, I was beginning to think rigor mortis had set in.”  
Julian chuckled quietly, before laying his head back on the pillow. “How long have you been here Garak?”  
“Oh, not long, I just came to check on you occasionally. I just happened to be here when you woke up.”  
“Right, and that dent in your chair is from you sitting there occasionally?”  
“My dear doctor, some of us do not have the blessings of your slim figure.”  
Julian laughed and shook his head. “I think after today, you will be wanting a long discussion with me.”  
“Indeed, I do doctor, but that can wait until later. For now, I prescribe rest in your quarters. In your own bed.” Garak sat back down in his chair, proudly smiling at Julian  
“Prescribe? Did you become a doctor while I was asleep?” The nurses came back into the room and ran through their list of tests. Garak stood and moved to the door.  
“Merely repeating what I’ve learned doctor.” As the nurses fussed over Julian, Garak slipped away, feeling more attached to his dear friend than he ever had before.


End file.
